My Guiding spirit has finally been broken. I am at that point in my life that I need to say enough is enough and walk away.
For the past 9 years I have been Brown Owl - at times very rewarding and at others a very thankless task.
I have met some fantastic people and am proud to say that some of them have become very good friends - there are many experiences in my life that I would not have had, had it not been for Guiding.
I thought about stepping down about 18 months ago, just before I started my prescribing course, but another long-standing leader beat me to it. Since then I have only gone through the motions and now feel that it is starting to show to the girls.
I am tired - I am the only leader who turns up week after week, the others rotate through. Barn Owl has offered to cover me at times when she has seen how down I am, but I feel guilty asking her to do so, as she is busy running her Ranger unit by default and she never has any other help!
My house has cupboard, after cupboard full of brownie stuff - boxes of left over craft, cupboards of just stuff! I want my house back, I want my life back, I want someone else to take over the responsibility of running the unit.
Work hasn't helped in that I seem to be working 14 hour days at the moment and at least 5 hours each Saturday - and no there is no overtime as its the NHS and we're broke!
This time last year, we were trying to deal with the sudden death of one of our fellow Guiders - it was not her time to go, how can life be so cruel? The past couple of weeks, has seen me thinking about her a lot and maybe this hasn't helped with how I am feeling in general, but I know now is the time to say goodbye.
I hope that I will return to Guiding sometime in the future, I just know that if I don't walk away now, I will come to hate Guiding and will never return.
I have challenges for the New Year - my weight loss has never really got going, so I have persuaded a group of Guiders to help me complete the half Moonwalk in May - it's meant to be 13 miles, but because it's a new route this year, we will have to do 15 instead!! There will be 5 of us walking that night so we will have fun whatever!
So , when I finalise the program for the coming term, the email that will go out to the other leaders will also say that my last night will be the 17th March - light the touch paper and stand back - how many of the other leaders will stay? Who will step up and run the unit? It will become interesting I can tell you!
Sunday, 20 December 2015
Saturday, 8 August 2015
The never ending weight battle!
I have blogged before in a roundabout way about my weight and what I was doing to try and loose some of it.
Well things have gone a bit astray and I am almost back to my starting weight :( I am however able to still fit into my new clothes which seems quite strange!
Life has been hectic since I returned from Tallin and I haven't been able to make time for Zumba or even fat club!
This week, Monkey is away with the Army once again for his annual camp and so I thought I would make time for me. I have begun gently though - Zumba on Monday night and aqua aerobics on Wednesday night. My plan is for Zumba on a Monday and Tuesday and Aqua on a Wednesday, walk to Brownies on a Thursday and meet a friend to walk with her and her dog on a Saturday morning.
I do not have time to attend a physical fat club meeting either anymore, so have decided to cancel my subscription for now and look at the online version instead. I have not yet signed up to that - I will see how things are going come September.
I do love a gadget and so I have invested in a Fitbit - a fancy pedometer that talks to my phone and tells me what I have been doing, it even tells me how many floors I have climbed if I can be bothered to climb them instead of taking the lift at work!
I was due to be meeting my friend today for the walk but she has had a bereavement in the family and so I haven't done that today, however, hubby is off work tomorrow and the weather is looking ok, so hopefully we will have a stroll to Wistow and back.
When I see some of the patients at work and also the complications my mum is having through her diabetes, I realise that I am a ticking time bomb and I really do need to do something about this - it becomes a harder challenge as you get older to loose weight so I need to do something and do it now.
My eating habits have become poor recently and I think it's about how tired I am when I get home - I can't be bothered to think about making my lunch for the following day and so I just nip along to the cafe at work the next day and buy a sausage roll - they sell lovely ones!!
I have managed to do well with fruit and I seem to be filling our fruit bowl 3 times a week at home now - even Monkey was eating better before he went to camp.
We rarely get to bed before midnight at the moment and eating around 10pm doesn't help much either. I am also up and leaving the house by 6:45 each morning so am tired before even get to work. All of this needs to change - we say it each week that we should be in bed for 10pm but it just doesn't seem to happen!
Hubby and I also made a pact about 3 weeks ago to stop buying the reduced pastries when we were on our way home and not to have sweet stuff in the house - all well and good but when it comes to that time of the month - I NEED SWEET STUFF IDEALLY CHOCOLATE!
I have charged up the Wii Fit Board too and am hoping that on the days I don't do exercise or the long walk, that I will spend 20 minutes or so on that - it will track my weight for me too, so fingers crossed I can start to loose something.
Lets hope I can do something about this now, before it gets too late!
Well things have gone a bit astray and I am almost back to my starting weight :( I am however able to still fit into my new clothes which seems quite strange!
Life has been hectic since I returned from Tallin and I haven't been able to make time for Zumba or even fat club!
This week, Monkey is away with the Army once again for his annual camp and so I thought I would make time for me. I have begun gently though - Zumba on Monday night and aqua aerobics on Wednesday night. My plan is for Zumba on a Monday and Tuesday and Aqua on a Wednesday, walk to Brownies on a Thursday and meet a friend to walk with her and her dog on a Saturday morning.
I do not have time to attend a physical fat club meeting either anymore, so have decided to cancel my subscription for now and look at the online version instead. I have not yet signed up to that - I will see how things are going come September.
I do love a gadget and so I have invested in a Fitbit - a fancy pedometer that talks to my phone and tells me what I have been doing, it even tells me how many floors I have climbed if I can be bothered to climb them instead of taking the lift at work!
I was due to be meeting my friend today for the walk but she has had a bereavement in the family and so I haven't done that today, however, hubby is off work tomorrow and the weather is looking ok, so hopefully we will have a stroll to Wistow and back.
When I see some of the patients at work and also the complications my mum is having through her diabetes, I realise that I am a ticking time bomb and I really do need to do something about this - it becomes a harder challenge as you get older to loose weight so I need to do something and do it now.
My eating habits have become poor recently and I think it's about how tired I am when I get home - I can't be bothered to think about making my lunch for the following day and so I just nip along to the cafe at work the next day and buy a sausage roll - they sell lovely ones!!
I have managed to do well with fruit and I seem to be filling our fruit bowl 3 times a week at home now - even Monkey was eating better before he went to camp.
We rarely get to bed before midnight at the moment and eating around 10pm doesn't help much either. I am also up and leaving the house by 6:45 each morning so am tired before even get to work. All of this needs to change - we say it each week that we should be in bed for 10pm but it just doesn't seem to happen!
Hubby and I also made a pact about 3 weeks ago to stop buying the reduced pastries when we were on our way home and not to have sweet stuff in the house - all well and good but when it comes to that time of the month - I NEED SWEET STUFF IDEALLY CHOCOLATE!
I have charged up the Wii Fit Board too and am hoping that on the days I don't do exercise or the long walk, that I will spend 20 minutes or so on that - it will track my weight for me too, so fingers crossed I can start to loose something.
Lets hope I can do something about this now, before it gets too late!
Saturday, 25 July 2015
Family Night Out
Each year, our small work department, has a Petanque challenge. Since starting there, I have never managed to make the night as they tend to hold it at the end of June, usually on my husband's birthday!
This year, they have held it at the end of July - I duly signed up, and then thought last week about asking the boys if they would like to come along too!
Surprisingly, they said yes!
So the evening looms - it was forecast for heavy rain - and yep, there was heavy rain all night! The mood was somber in the car on the 40 minute drive out to the pub where it was being held, hubby apprehensive about being in a social situation with people he didn't know and not having alcohol to boost his confidence, monkey sulking as he had an evening planned in front of the X-box!
However, once we were there, things got better! We were pitched against a team where I only knew one person but we all got on and had some fun. Having never played Petanque before, we all just reverted back to the game we knew it as - boules from monkey's younger years.
The pitch was muddy and each time we threw a boule, a divot appeared in the ground! The rain poured, the boules were muddier each round and there was nowhere to wash your hands in between throws - they needed a bucket of water to dip your hands in to wash off the mud and to wash the boules with too!
We were the first match to finish - there were 4 other matches going on as we had about 20 people there. We thrashed our opponents - 14 - 1. They were happy though as they wanted to win Valerie the Wooden Duck and Spoon - the booby prize!
We won a commemorative plate - a large oval plate which was "borrowed" from the pub the first year they held the challenge and which someone has subsequently decorated and added the names of the winning team from each year on the back!
This year, our team name will be proudly written - No ifs, just buts - this was the best we could come up with as Far Canals, Norfolk and Hope, Ginger Nuts and Ginger Buts were all rejected!!!
Food followed and monkey was very polite and held his discussions well - loved the part where he was telling a consultant how protein works with his gym routine and muscle build-up!!! To give him his due, the consultant was very good and sounded impressed with monkey's knowledge!
Hubby offered to drive, so I was able to have a couple of drinks which was good too!
All in all a good night and the boys seemed happier on the trip home - looking forward to more of these nights out soon!
This year, they have held it at the end of July - I duly signed up, and then thought last week about asking the boys if they would like to come along too!
Surprisingly, they said yes!
So the evening looms - it was forecast for heavy rain - and yep, there was heavy rain all night! The mood was somber in the car on the 40 minute drive out to the pub where it was being held, hubby apprehensive about being in a social situation with people he didn't know and not having alcohol to boost his confidence, monkey sulking as he had an evening planned in front of the X-box!
However, once we were there, things got better! We were pitched against a team where I only knew one person but we all got on and had some fun. Having never played Petanque before, we all just reverted back to the game we knew it as - boules from monkey's younger years.
The pitch was muddy and each time we threw a boule, a divot appeared in the ground! The rain poured, the boules were muddier each round and there was nowhere to wash your hands in between throws - they needed a bucket of water to dip your hands in to wash off the mud and to wash the boules with too!
We were the first match to finish - there were 4 other matches going on as we had about 20 people there. We thrashed our opponents - 14 - 1. They were happy though as they wanted to win Valerie the Wooden Duck and Spoon - the booby prize!
We won a commemorative plate - a large oval plate which was "borrowed" from the pub the first year they held the challenge and which someone has subsequently decorated and added the names of the winning team from each year on the back!
This year, our team name will be proudly written - No ifs, just buts - this was the best we could come up with as Far Canals, Norfolk and Hope, Ginger Nuts and Ginger Buts were all rejected!!!
Food followed and monkey was very polite and held his discussions well - loved the part where he was telling a consultant how protein works with his gym routine and muscle build-up!!! To give him his due, the consultant was very good and sounded impressed with monkey's knowledge!
Hubby offered to drive, so I was able to have a couple of drinks which was good too!
All in all a good night and the boys seemed happier on the trip home - looking forward to more of these nights out soon!
Monday, 13 July 2015
Pregnant :(
To sit and look at it breaks my heart, while at the same time, being ecstatically happy for my baby brother and his wife.
While I understand that they have been trying for a couple of years now to get to this point and have had to undergo IVF to get to here, the other part of me, feels distraught and unable to put on my happy face.
It reminds me , yet again, what a failure I am. I have only been able to carry one baby to full term, had at least 2 miscarriages, if not more, have also undergone IVF - but ours was not successful.
I know that there are still another 28 weeks to go for my sister in law, but to have got to this point is a major step for them.
I have sent my congratulations, told monkey that he will have another cousin just after Christmas - out of all of the cousin pregnancies, I think he will be the happiest about this one - this uncle and aunt are his favourite - he was an usher at their wedding but only because he was too big to be a page boy!
I am still estranged from this side of my family, I understand that our middle brother has sold his house and is about to move, but he is yet to tell me this or provide me with his new address - maybe he is waiting for it all to go through.
I have no desire to see my Dad's wife, but with this new one arriving, it may make things very difficult, or it will just emphasise once again, that we are not really welcome in her house at any time.
Time will tell, but in the meantime, I will continue to hope that all goes well for my sister in law and that she has a good pregnancy. I know the birth will be difficult, as she had a fractured pelvis when she was 16 following a road traffic accident when in Italy, so there will be added complications with the birth - with my knowledge of midwifery, I would think she may have to have an elective section - not the best thing to start your life as a new mum as, but she will cope - she has a very large Italian family and of course, my Dad's wife!
Monday, 18 May 2015
And so another 5 months passes by!
Life for me has been as busy as usual!
Brownies is full on as always - we have 32 girls and have finally had to move to a new meeting place as the old one was really just too small to fit us all in! We have moved to a church hall which has a large tarmac'd area outside but the best part is the large hall and a big and clean kitchen which we can use!! This term has been hard work, as we have had to think about how to run the meetings now that we are at the new hall. The Mummy Owl rota has continued with some them really great and others very hard work, but we get through them all each term. I've managed to get them to use our Facebook page to ask to swap nights as I have told them that they need to sort out the changes - I really just don't have the time to do it.
I have been away for the weekend for our County Training weekend. I haven't been away for one of these for a long time now and really ummed and ahhed about going but now I'm glad this I did go. There were a very small number of Guiders who went this weekend - 32 - and so it felt more cosier than normal. While I was there, I was "persuaded" to join the staff side for Charnwood which is an international Scout and Guide camp which is held very 5 years. I did do it in 2011 and was part of the First Aid team - not where I want to be this time around. However, the head of the First Aid team from last time also does not want to be part of the First Aid team either, but is keen to lead the Special Needs team and has asked me to be her deputy - now that I could do. So now, I am waiting to hear if we have been successful in our job applications!
When I was awarded my Midlands Chief Guide award, I met a Brownie Leader from Birmingham who had taken a group of Brownies to Lapland for the day and I was really keen to do that with ours. Kelloggsville was keen to help me with this, but when we came back to speak to the other leaders in our group, they weren't so keen so we left that idea for the time being. I talked about this with one of the Deputy County Commissioners this weekend who advises on International trips and said I would be keen to lead a County-wide trip to Lapland for our County's centenary celebration in 2017. That seemed to have a great reception, so it is now my big plan to work towards. I think I will have enough support and I don't need to have my International license for this as it is only a day trip!
I managed to pass my Nurse Independent and Supplementary Prescribing qualification finally after a lot of hard work! I had to resubmit my portfolio after failing it by just 2% but last week I found out that I had finally passed it! So that now means that I can prescribe drugs just the same as a doctor can!
My Consultant has returned to work and I am so glad that she has. It has however been difficult for her as her work colleagues have not been supportive and have made things hard for her - trying to make her have a caseload which includes patients with cancer and this has been clear from her occupational health consultant that this should not be the case. We have had many tears at work when she can no longer cope with how they are treating her. She is now at the point where she is thinking about leaving and going to another Trust but would also like me to go along too - I'm flattered but not sure if I can do the commute each day as it would be almost double the distance but on the other hand, I don't know if I could be on my own at our current Trust with the lack of support I had last time! We are about to ask for a higher band for my job and this may be the decision breaker - if I can have that higher grade, I may well stay but if not, then maybe it will be time to move to the new job instead!
Life is always about decisions and I suppose I have many to make at the moment. I will try and write about them as I make them, but I can't make that promise - my track record is never good!!
Brownies is full on as always - we have 32 girls and have finally had to move to a new meeting place as the old one was really just too small to fit us all in! We have moved to a church hall which has a large tarmac'd area outside but the best part is the large hall and a big and clean kitchen which we can use!! This term has been hard work, as we have had to think about how to run the meetings now that we are at the new hall. The Mummy Owl rota has continued with some them really great and others very hard work, but we get through them all each term. I've managed to get them to use our Facebook page to ask to swap nights as I have told them that they need to sort out the changes - I really just don't have the time to do it.
I have been away for the weekend for our County Training weekend. I haven't been away for one of these for a long time now and really ummed and ahhed about going but now I'm glad this I did go. There were a very small number of Guiders who went this weekend - 32 - and so it felt more cosier than normal. While I was there, I was "persuaded" to join the staff side for Charnwood which is an international Scout and Guide camp which is held very 5 years. I did do it in 2011 and was part of the First Aid team - not where I want to be this time around. However, the head of the First Aid team from last time also does not want to be part of the First Aid team either, but is keen to lead the Special Needs team and has asked me to be her deputy - now that I could do. So now, I am waiting to hear if we have been successful in our job applications!
When I was awarded my Midlands Chief Guide award, I met a Brownie Leader from Birmingham who had taken a group of Brownies to Lapland for the day and I was really keen to do that with ours. Kelloggsville was keen to help me with this, but when we came back to speak to the other leaders in our group, they weren't so keen so we left that idea for the time being. I talked about this with one of the Deputy County Commissioners this weekend who advises on International trips and said I would be keen to lead a County-wide trip to Lapland for our County's centenary celebration in 2017. That seemed to have a great reception, so it is now my big plan to work towards. I think I will have enough support and I don't need to have my International license for this as it is only a day trip!
I managed to pass my Nurse Independent and Supplementary Prescribing qualification finally after a lot of hard work! I had to resubmit my portfolio after failing it by just 2% but last week I found out that I had finally passed it! So that now means that I can prescribe drugs just the same as a doctor can!
My Consultant has returned to work and I am so glad that she has. It has however been difficult for her as her work colleagues have not been supportive and have made things hard for her - trying to make her have a caseload which includes patients with cancer and this has been clear from her occupational health consultant that this should not be the case. We have had many tears at work when she can no longer cope with how they are treating her. She is now at the point where she is thinking about leaving and going to another Trust but would also like me to go along too - I'm flattered but not sure if I can do the commute each day as it would be almost double the distance but on the other hand, I don't know if I could be on my own at our current Trust with the lack of support I had last time! We are about to ask for a higher band for my job and this may be the decision breaker - if I can have that higher grade, I may well stay but if not, then maybe it will be time to move to the new job instead!
Life is always about decisions and I suppose I have many to make at the moment. I will try and write about them as I make them, but I can't make that promise - my track record is never good!!
Friday, 26 December 2014
Where have the last 12 months gone??
Life as always for me has been fraught and even more so over the past 12 months.
Monkey has had a great time - skiing with the Army Cadets in Italy in February, Canoe Cadet in May half term, Annual Camp in August, leaving his High School and moving onto a new school for the last 2 years of his schooling (although he should be staying on until the end of Year 13, he is still adamant that he wants to join the Army at the end of Year 11), has been made a Lance Corporal, laid the wreath for the Army Cadets at this years Remembrance Parade, become a fully qualified first aider as part of his cadet training and attended a training weekend at Yardley Chase where he has now almost completed his 2 star training. He did leave Explorers which was a sad time for me as he had been in Scouting for almost 9 years at that point but once he wasn't chosen for the World Jamboree to Japan he seemed to loose all interest in Scouting. All in all a good year for him. The only blot on his horizon was when taking part in his first contact training session of the year at a rugby team he had joined, he managed to dislocate his knee which meant that he was in plaster for almost 6 weeks and we are still rehabbing, at a point where he must not take part in any contact sports, can only gently jog (and that has only been in the past week) and he is to start a weekly knee rehab class the first week back in January - it will be a long and slow process but he needs to get it right to make sure that he can be as fit as possible for the Army.
My Dad's wife wrote to me in July to tell me that she basically cannot stand me and that she has no wish to have anything to do with me, hubby or Monkey in the future, but that she would not stand in my way if I wanted to see my Dad or brothers. How gracious of her!! As you know the feeling is mutual and that has make things easier from my point of view but its the way she can dismiss Monkey from her life so easily which makes it difficult for me to explain things to Monkey. I will keep her letter and let Monkey see that when he is older, maybe when my Dad has passed away and he wants to keep in contact with her, he will see that there really is no point at all.
My consultant at work was diagnosed with breast cancer in March this year and has been off work since. She has had 6 cycles of chemotherapy, followed by a wide local excision and axillary node clearance and then she went on to have 5 weeks of radiotherapy. She was 37 when she was diagnosed with no family history. She had recently split from her long term partner who she thought she would be marrying in the not too distant future but he had different ideas! She has now been given the all clear and is just waiting for things to be sorted for her phased return to work to be agreed and then how she will be working when she is back full time. I have missed her greatly and being totally selfish, I cannot wait for her to come back. I have seen her most weeks while she has been off and when we were at the Houses of Parliament for a meeting in November, we went on to see Les Miserable as a end of sickness treat - an amazing show if you ever get the chance to go.
I started my nurse prescribers course in September, and am really struggling with it - I am doing it at Master's level and really wish that I hadn't done it at that level now, but too late. I have about 5 weeks to go until I have to hand in my portfolio and hopefully that will be the major part of it done then, just the OSCE and the short answer paper to pass. I have however met some great people and am grateful for the support that they have been giving to me.
My Mum has been unwell once again. May saw her admitted to the local hospital with pneumonia where they also discovered a degree of heart failure. She recovered fairly well but it did take a couple of months for her to get back to her baseline. When she went to see a cardiologist in September for a follow-up appointment, they informed her that she had actually had a small heart attack and that she would need a cardiac angio to check the state of her heart. However, because of her kidney problems they would need to be cautious with the procedure. Luckily, Mum was due to see her renal doctor who on checking her kidney function said that she couldn't have the angio as it would knacker her kidneys completely. Anyway, things have bounced back and forth between the cardiologist and the renal doctor until it all came to a head last week when her renal doctor has said that she now needs to start dialysis ideally within the next month - to Mum this is a big shock - to me, not so. Having been a renal nurse for a large part of my life, I could see where it was going, but as my Mum usually thinks that I don't really know anything, I have kept quiet. Wrong of me? No, as even if I had warned her about anything, she would have just ignored it all. I do know that she likes her community renal nurse, so that's a bonus and she does listen to what she is saying. Mum thinks she would like to have PD - great, however, she does have bad eyesight and that will put her at risk of peritonitis. I have talked to her about this over the phone when she rang me to say that she would be staring dialysis soon, but she says that it will all be ok as she is going to do the dialysis overnight. Again, I don't think this is right for her as she has no room in her bedroom for the APD machine, and when I mentioned that she would need to clear out the small spare room to make way for all of the boxes and dialysis things that she would need, she said that she wasn't going to be doing that. I suggested at that point that she might like to have a chat with the community nurse to see what was going to be involved. I think I will be contacting my friend who still works in renal as a community nurse and asking for a crash refresher course in how to set up the APD machines!!!
Brownies continue to be a large part of my life. I am glad that I haven't been the District Commissioner for the past 12 months. I have stepped aside as a mentor and I am about to stop doing the DBS checks. I am now left with only the Brownie pack to run. I was planning on stepping aside from that in the summer but unfortunately, one of the other leaders chose the beginning of the summer term to tell me that she would be leaving which left me having to stay. I still want to leave, but at the moment we will be at 31 Brownies in January when we go back and that puts me in a difficult position! We only have 3 adults who attend on a regular basis, one of which is me every week and the other two do alternate weeks, so we do actually run on only 2 adults each week. I have Young Leaders (two of which are now 18 or will be when we return) but due to their A level commitments, they are not able to come every week and it all becomes a bit more of a nightmare as the 3 older Young Leaders will all take their A levels this year, and the 2 younger Young Leaders will be taking their GCES's this year, so the times that they will be able to come along will all reduce at about the same time! I have a great Brownie Helper who started with us in September and she has made a great difference to the help.
Then just as I was thinking that I was at last coming to the end of what has really been a bad year, a friend and fellow guider died suddenly and unexpectedly on the 12th December. She was a year younger than me, never appeared to be unhealthy (although I have since learnt that she did have some sort of heart condition which she had had since childhood) and was the local Rainbow Leader. I feel that I have had no right to be as upset as I was about her dying so suddenly, but thinking about things over the past couple of days, I think I have possibly reached my tipping point and this sent me over the edge into something I can only describe as devastated and depressed. I have tried to be the rock for everybody - being the previous District Commissioner and the new one only just being in post for a couple of months - people did seem to fall to me for advice and support. With my job, I am more than happy to provide the support, as I feel that sometimes group support is so much better for all involved but is has been hard coming on top of all of the other things that have happened this year. I have felt a fraud at times being so upset - I could be driving to the supermarket and just suddenly burst into tears. Her funeral was held on Christmas Eve. I sobbed all of the way to the church which was about a 20 minute drive. The church was packed and people were even just standing at the back due to their being no room to sit and it was a big church. There were about 20 past and present guiders there including the County and Regional Commissioners - it was good to see the people there. Her husband was stoic in church as were their twin 16 year old children. However, me and Kelloggsville went to the crematorium and here is where the tears really flowed. We then went back to the wake and spent a while talking with the twins and seeing that actually they were coping so much better than I thought they would. Her husband is a different matter - I'm not really sure how he is going to cope, but he does have many friends and family who will help him through this I know.
All in all, the year has been a busy one, with lots of sad times but good times too. Memories have been made and I am glad that I have had these too. I know that from now on, I need to live life to the full, grab what I want with both hands and never be afraid to tell someone that I love them as I never know what is around the corner.
This will be my motto for 2015 - Happy New Year one and all
Monkey has had a great time - skiing with the Army Cadets in Italy in February, Canoe Cadet in May half term, Annual Camp in August, leaving his High School and moving onto a new school for the last 2 years of his schooling (although he should be staying on until the end of Year 13, he is still adamant that he wants to join the Army at the end of Year 11), has been made a Lance Corporal, laid the wreath for the Army Cadets at this years Remembrance Parade, become a fully qualified first aider as part of his cadet training and attended a training weekend at Yardley Chase where he has now almost completed his 2 star training. He did leave Explorers which was a sad time for me as he had been in Scouting for almost 9 years at that point but once he wasn't chosen for the World Jamboree to Japan he seemed to loose all interest in Scouting. All in all a good year for him. The only blot on his horizon was when taking part in his first contact training session of the year at a rugby team he had joined, he managed to dislocate his knee which meant that he was in plaster for almost 6 weeks and we are still rehabbing, at a point where he must not take part in any contact sports, can only gently jog (and that has only been in the past week) and he is to start a weekly knee rehab class the first week back in January - it will be a long and slow process but he needs to get it right to make sure that he can be as fit as possible for the Army.
My Dad's wife wrote to me in July to tell me that she basically cannot stand me and that she has no wish to have anything to do with me, hubby or Monkey in the future, but that she would not stand in my way if I wanted to see my Dad or brothers. How gracious of her!! As you know the feeling is mutual and that has make things easier from my point of view but its the way she can dismiss Monkey from her life so easily which makes it difficult for me to explain things to Monkey. I will keep her letter and let Monkey see that when he is older, maybe when my Dad has passed away and he wants to keep in contact with her, he will see that there really is no point at all.
My consultant at work was diagnosed with breast cancer in March this year and has been off work since. She has had 6 cycles of chemotherapy, followed by a wide local excision and axillary node clearance and then she went on to have 5 weeks of radiotherapy. She was 37 when she was diagnosed with no family history. She had recently split from her long term partner who she thought she would be marrying in the not too distant future but he had different ideas! She has now been given the all clear and is just waiting for things to be sorted for her phased return to work to be agreed and then how she will be working when she is back full time. I have missed her greatly and being totally selfish, I cannot wait for her to come back. I have seen her most weeks while she has been off and when we were at the Houses of Parliament for a meeting in November, we went on to see Les Miserable as a end of sickness treat - an amazing show if you ever get the chance to go.
I started my nurse prescribers course in September, and am really struggling with it - I am doing it at Master's level and really wish that I hadn't done it at that level now, but too late. I have about 5 weeks to go until I have to hand in my portfolio and hopefully that will be the major part of it done then, just the OSCE and the short answer paper to pass. I have however met some great people and am grateful for the support that they have been giving to me.
My Mum has been unwell once again. May saw her admitted to the local hospital with pneumonia where they also discovered a degree of heart failure. She recovered fairly well but it did take a couple of months for her to get back to her baseline. When she went to see a cardiologist in September for a follow-up appointment, they informed her that she had actually had a small heart attack and that she would need a cardiac angio to check the state of her heart. However, because of her kidney problems they would need to be cautious with the procedure. Luckily, Mum was due to see her renal doctor who on checking her kidney function said that she couldn't have the angio as it would knacker her kidneys completely. Anyway, things have bounced back and forth between the cardiologist and the renal doctor until it all came to a head last week when her renal doctor has said that she now needs to start dialysis ideally within the next month - to Mum this is a big shock - to me, not so. Having been a renal nurse for a large part of my life, I could see where it was going, but as my Mum usually thinks that I don't really know anything, I have kept quiet. Wrong of me? No, as even if I had warned her about anything, she would have just ignored it all. I do know that she likes her community renal nurse, so that's a bonus and she does listen to what she is saying. Mum thinks she would like to have PD - great, however, she does have bad eyesight and that will put her at risk of peritonitis. I have talked to her about this over the phone when she rang me to say that she would be staring dialysis soon, but she says that it will all be ok as she is going to do the dialysis overnight. Again, I don't think this is right for her as she has no room in her bedroom for the APD machine, and when I mentioned that she would need to clear out the small spare room to make way for all of the boxes and dialysis things that she would need, she said that she wasn't going to be doing that. I suggested at that point that she might like to have a chat with the community nurse to see what was going to be involved. I think I will be contacting my friend who still works in renal as a community nurse and asking for a crash refresher course in how to set up the APD machines!!!
Brownies continue to be a large part of my life. I am glad that I haven't been the District Commissioner for the past 12 months. I have stepped aside as a mentor and I am about to stop doing the DBS checks. I am now left with only the Brownie pack to run. I was planning on stepping aside from that in the summer but unfortunately, one of the other leaders chose the beginning of the summer term to tell me that she would be leaving which left me having to stay. I still want to leave, but at the moment we will be at 31 Brownies in January when we go back and that puts me in a difficult position! We only have 3 adults who attend on a regular basis, one of which is me every week and the other two do alternate weeks, so we do actually run on only 2 adults each week. I have Young Leaders (two of which are now 18 or will be when we return) but due to their A level commitments, they are not able to come every week and it all becomes a bit more of a nightmare as the 3 older Young Leaders will all take their A levels this year, and the 2 younger Young Leaders will be taking their GCES's this year, so the times that they will be able to come along will all reduce at about the same time! I have a great Brownie Helper who started with us in September and she has made a great difference to the help.
Then just as I was thinking that I was at last coming to the end of what has really been a bad year, a friend and fellow guider died suddenly and unexpectedly on the 12th December. She was a year younger than me, never appeared to be unhealthy (although I have since learnt that she did have some sort of heart condition which she had had since childhood) and was the local Rainbow Leader. I feel that I have had no right to be as upset as I was about her dying so suddenly, but thinking about things over the past couple of days, I think I have possibly reached my tipping point and this sent me over the edge into something I can only describe as devastated and depressed. I have tried to be the rock for everybody - being the previous District Commissioner and the new one only just being in post for a couple of months - people did seem to fall to me for advice and support. With my job, I am more than happy to provide the support, as I feel that sometimes group support is so much better for all involved but is has been hard coming on top of all of the other things that have happened this year. I have felt a fraud at times being so upset - I could be driving to the supermarket and just suddenly burst into tears. Her funeral was held on Christmas Eve. I sobbed all of the way to the church which was about a 20 minute drive. The church was packed and people were even just standing at the back due to their being no room to sit and it was a big church. There were about 20 past and present guiders there including the County and Regional Commissioners - it was good to see the people there. Her husband was stoic in church as were their twin 16 year old children. However, me and Kelloggsville went to the crematorium and here is where the tears really flowed. We then went back to the wake and spent a while talking with the twins and seeing that actually they were coping so much better than I thought they would. Her husband is a different matter - I'm not really sure how he is going to cope, but he does have many friends and family who will help him through this I know.
All in all, the year has been a busy one, with lots of sad times but good times too. Memories have been made and I am glad that I have had these too. I know that from now on, I need to live life to the full, grab what I want with both hands and never be afraid to tell someone that I love them as I never know what is around the corner.
This will be my motto for 2015 - Happy New Year one and all
Saturday, 8 March 2014
Families
I come from a broken home - my Dad left my Mum when I was 4 years old for another woman (many years down the line that woman took great pleasure in telling me that she had been having an affair with my Dad even before I was born!)
My Mum went on to meet a fantastic man who became all that I needed as father figure and his family took me in as the only granddaughter - they had two grandsons who were both older than me.
My Mum and step father have now been married 36 years (as has my Dad and the other woman).
I have never felt accepted by my Dad's second wife - I don't call her my step mum as she has never shown a maternal bone in her body towards me.
I have two half brothers - one of which was announced to me as a "there is a surprise waiting for you when we get home" the first time I ever went to stay with my Dad overnight after the divorce and remarriages had taken place.
I have always loved both of my brothers unconditionally and over the years even though I don't see them all very often, I feel that we are close. I am closer to my baby brother more than the middle brother but we all still have that connection.
My middle brother lives near Gatwick and so its not often we get to see each other and my baby brother lives just over an hour away from me so since he and his wife moved there we have seen a bit more of them.
My Dad announced about 3 years ago that he would be moving up to live near my baby brother when they could sell their house which I was really happy about as I have never lived this close to my Dad since he left us when I was 4.
My Dad's closet in age brother also lives near my baby brother so this was also a good idea as there are now only 2 of his 5 of his siblings alive with the other one living in Australia for the past 64 years.
For the past couple of years my Dad's wife has been off with me - I can't pin it down to a specific thing but she goes out of her way to avoid speaking to me and generally makes me feel like I am dog shit on the bottom of her shoe.
My Dad is Dad, I think he is completely oblivious to it all and I won't highlight it to him as I don't want to make any more problems - Dad is 13 years older than her and not really in the best of health any more.
They finally managed to sell their house last summer and moved up to the area about 2 weeks before Monkey's birthday in September.
Monkey and I visited the new house just before Christmas to drop off Christmas presents - no invite to come and visit before that had been offered and I made the call and said that we would be down to exchange presents one afternoon while Monkey was recovering from his head injury.
While we were there, I had a phone call I needed to take in a different room, so made my way into the lounge for some privacy and found the Christmas tree all set up with enough presents under it to be given out to a whole primary school which were for my middle brother's 2 children. They are 6 and 3 years old. I was flabbergasted at the amount of presents there. Monkey being the oldest grandchild (he's 14 now) has never had more than one present. I appreciate that he isn't her grandchild but he has always called her nanny which she was happy with up until the arrival of my brother's first child.
My middle brother then sent me a message via Facebook a few days after Christmas saying that he had our Christmas presents still as we had not visited Dad's over the holiday - I replied and told him that his mum had never invited us down so that was why we did not visit.
Things came to head on my birthday when I had a random card which could have been sent to anybody with just "love Dad and Lyn" on it. No phone call to wish me happy birthday or to say that they had a present for me the next time I visited. Now I'm not materialistic, but I do make sure that my closet family has a present from both me and hubby and one from the Monkey for birthdays and Christmas and that if we can't see them around the time of the event, then we make sure that they know that we have something. I will be honest with you - I was devastated. Now I don't cry very often, but that day - which should have been a happy day spent with my husband - the first two hours were spent sobbing. Hubby had no idea what to do with me - he understands how I have been feeling but his response is "fuck them" we are happy enough without them and if they upset me that much then I need to stay away from them. He ripped up the card and threw it out as he knew that it had upset me so much.
Dad finally rang the following day and said that he rang my work phone and even though it said on the answerphone message that I was not at work until the following week, he didn't know where to ring.
We have a cousin who lives in Australia who is visiting the UK for the first time in a few weeks. He arrives the day that I am in Leeds with my Centenary Camp friends. We have arranged for me to visit him a couple of days after his arrival (the Monday) at Dad's as he is staying there for the start of the visit. Hubby is on a day off and so the plan is for us to collect Monkey from school and travel down to arrive late afternoon.
When we got home from an afternoon out last Sunday there was a missed call from Dad. When I rang back, she answered the phone and despite me saying "hello, how are you?", she just said "I'll get your Dad."
Dad was asking if we had heard from our cousin and what we had arranged for visiting. I told him the plan and he said that was great as everyone else was going on the Sunday - both brothers and wives and children, my Uncle with his daughter and her family. I mentioned that I was in Leeds on the Sunday but could leave early, drive home, collect the boys and then come and join everyone so that we could all see each other as we haven't been together as a family for a long time. When my Dad mentioned this to her she said no as it was a full house and there would be too many people there - they have moved into a 5 bedroomed house with 3 reception rooms as well as a large kitchen diner!
So I just said yes ok when I really wanted to say no - we will come on the Sunday and just squeeze in! I want to see everybody too.
When I told hubby, he said that we just won't bother going and to be honest I agree - I don't think I can visit and feel relaxed. I know that I will miss out on meeting my cousin and his family, but I think I will just break down in tears and that's not something I want to do in front of my family.
I've decided to just step away from them all for now - if they invite us to something I will think long and hard before accepting. To be honest, I've even said that once Dad is no longer with us, at that point I will walk away and have absolutely nothing to do with any of them - I'm sure they won't miss me!!
My Mum went on to meet a fantastic man who became all that I needed as father figure and his family took me in as the only granddaughter - they had two grandsons who were both older than me.
My Mum and step father have now been married 36 years (as has my Dad and the other woman).
I have never felt accepted by my Dad's second wife - I don't call her my step mum as she has never shown a maternal bone in her body towards me.
I have two half brothers - one of which was announced to me as a "there is a surprise waiting for you when we get home" the first time I ever went to stay with my Dad overnight after the divorce and remarriages had taken place.
I have always loved both of my brothers unconditionally and over the years even though I don't see them all very often, I feel that we are close. I am closer to my baby brother more than the middle brother but we all still have that connection.
My middle brother lives near Gatwick and so its not often we get to see each other and my baby brother lives just over an hour away from me so since he and his wife moved there we have seen a bit more of them.
My Dad announced about 3 years ago that he would be moving up to live near my baby brother when they could sell their house which I was really happy about as I have never lived this close to my Dad since he left us when I was 4.
My Dad's closet in age brother also lives near my baby brother so this was also a good idea as there are now only 2 of his 5 of his siblings alive with the other one living in Australia for the past 64 years.
For the past couple of years my Dad's wife has been off with me - I can't pin it down to a specific thing but she goes out of her way to avoid speaking to me and generally makes me feel like I am dog shit on the bottom of her shoe.
My Dad is Dad, I think he is completely oblivious to it all and I won't highlight it to him as I don't want to make any more problems - Dad is 13 years older than her and not really in the best of health any more.
They finally managed to sell their house last summer and moved up to the area about 2 weeks before Monkey's birthday in September.
Monkey and I visited the new house just before Christmas to drop off Christmas presents - no invite to come and visit before that had been offered and I made the call and said that we would be down to exchange presents one afternoon while Monkey was recovering from his head injury.
While we were there, I had a phone call I needed to take in a different room, so made my way into the lounge for some privacy and found the Christmas tree all set up with enough presents under it to be given out to a whole primary school which were for my middle brother's 2 children. They are 6 and 3 years old. I was flabbergasted at the amount of presents there. Monkey being the oldest grandchild (he's 14 now) has never had more than one present. I appreciate that he isn't her grandchild but he has always called her nanny which she was happy with up until the arrival of my brother's first child.
My middle brother then sent me a message via Facebook a few days after Christmas saying that he had our Christmas presents still as we had not visited Dad's over the holiday - I replied and told him that his mum had never invited us down so that was why we did not visit.
Things came to head on my birthday when I had a random card which could have been sent to anybody with just "love Dad and Lyn" on it. No phone call to wish me happy birthday or to say that they had a present for me the next time I visited. Now I'm not materialistic, but I do make sure that my closet family has a present from both me and hubby and one from the Monkey for birthdays and Christmas and that if we can't see them around the time of the event, then we make sure that they know that we have something. I will be honest with you - I was devastated. Now I don't cry very often, but that day - which should have been a happy day spent with my husband - the first two hours were spent sobbing. Hubby had no idea what to do with me - he understands how I have been feeling but his response is "fuck them" we are happy enough without them and if they upset me that much then I need to stay away from them. He ripped up the card and threw it out as he knew that it had upset me so much.
Dad finally rang the following day and said that he rang my work phone and even though it said on the answerphone message that I was not at work until the following week, he didn't know where to ring.
We have a cousin who lives in Australia who is visiting the UK for the first time in a few weeks. He arrives the day that I am in Leeds with my Centenary Camp friends. We have arranged for me to visit him a couple of days after his arrival (the Monday) at Dad's as he is staying there for the start of the visit. Hubby is on a day off and so the plan is for us to collect Monkey from school and travel down to arrive late afternoon.
When we got home from an afternoon out last Sunday there was a missed call from Dad. When I rang back, she answered the phone and despite me saying "hello, how are you?", she just said "I'll get your Dad."
Dad was asking if we had heard from our cousin and what we had arranged for visiting. I told him the plan and he said that was great as everyone else was going on the Sunday - both brothers and wives and children, my Uncle with his daughter and her family. I mentioned that I was in Leeds on the Sunday but could leave early, drive home, collect the boys and then come and join everyone so that we could all see each other as we haven't been together as a family for a long time. When my Dad mentioned this to her she said no as it was a full house and there would be too many people there - they have moved into a 5 bedroomed house with 3 reception rooms as well as a large kitchen diner!
So I just said yes ok when I really wanted to say no - we will come on the Sunday and just squeeze in! I want to see everybody too.
When I told hubby, he said that we just won't bother going and to be honest I agree - I don't think I can visit and feel relaxed. I know that I will miss out on meeting my cousin and his family, but I think I will just break down in tears and that's not something I want to do in front of my family.
I've decided to just step away from them all for now - if they invite us to something I will think long and hard before accepting. To be honest, I've even said that once Dad is no longer with us, at that point I will walk away and have absolutely nothing to do with any of them - I'm sure they won't miss me!!
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