Saturday, 12 October 2019


Life is difficult for me at the moment - in the grand scheme of things when I look at what others are dealing with then this really shouldn't be an issue but I've been feeling low for some time now and everything together is tipping me over the edge.

My knee injury is now 1 year ago but I still have problems with pain and stiffness first thing in the mornings - I am still taking painkillers and I really want to stop them - nothing addictive, just NSAIDs but I really don't want to be taking them every day - I have an unspecified bleeding disorder and this adds to my bruising and spontaneous bleeding.

I am tired - this is nothing new, but I am managing some nights to get between 7 and 8 hours sleep and by lunchtime I am ready for bed again!

Hubby has a new job - he is so pleased to be out of his previous job after 10 years. By the time he left he was really hating it and the people that he worked with and the secret and excessive drinking had started again  - this really worried me but if I tried to discuss it, I had my head bitten off. He is still in the training period but was told that he would need to be away from home no more than 1 night per month. So far he has been in the job 12 working days and has been away for 5 nights with a further 3 planned for next week. It was meant to be 4 but when I said I was struggling with him being away so much, he told work he would drive home from Poole on Monday and then leave again early on Tuesday morning to get to the other side of London for his 8 am appointment. While I appreciate this, it means he will be more tired when driving and then I start to worry about that as well. I am hoping that once his training has completed, he will not be having to drive between Cornwall and Scotland all the time!

Work is hell - I am not working on a Saturday now, as Hubby is home every weekend. This in turn has increased my workload in the week and I am struggling with everything that is needed to be done. I was checking emails from September last night before I left that the Boss had sent to me and I have missed an important one that should have been sorted 5 weeks ago. And now I can't contact the person to arrange blood tests. The Trust is about to go digital and we will be using 4 different systems to cover all the areas, however, nobody seems to be thinking about VTE which needs to be used by all 4 systems and they are now realising that something needs to be done and they are close to being launched. Then trying to speak to the correct people about it is like trying to find a needle in a haystack - none of them have contact extensions, they can only be contacted via email and then take forever to reply, by which time the launch date is nearer and they are saying, oh it's too late to add this now - so my answer back is what are you going to do about it? This is essential to the running of the Trust and patient safety.This is actually making feel extremely stressed and I am at the point where I could just walk!

My weight - I cannot loose any. I have been following WW for many years and while it keeps me at the weight I am, I need to loose weight. The first two weeks of Hubby's new job, I came home and cooked good nutritious meals the nights he was away. This week I basically hit the junk food and have eaten absolute rubbish. I was at the end of September the lightest I had been for over 18 months, but that weight has started to creep back on again and that makes me unhappy.

The one thing that has really upset me and I think has pushed me to this tipping point is a close friend has stopped talking to me. A group of us went out a couple of weeks ago and this friend was at the same event. We all spent the evening talking and generally having a great time. When I left, she said that we would meet up the following week. Since then this friend has not answered any messages or texts and I actually feel abandoned. My best friend has tried to mediate and find out what is actually wrong and she won't talk to her either. What we both cannot understand is how everything was ok on the Friday and by the Saturday I was frozen out. We had a very close friendship and to be honest, this friend was the person I probably spoke to almost every day even if was just to say hello and to check that they were ok. They have been struggling themselves recently and having lost one of their close friends to suicide I had been supporting them even more. It actually feels like she has died - a bit extreme I know but maybe with everything else going on it is hitting harder than usual. It's silly as well as I can go weeks without talking to my best friend and I don't feel like this at all.

I am feeling sick when I wake in the mornings, I am fairly short-tempered at work although I am trying my best not to be  - my office colleagues are both lovely and pleasant to be with, but some days all I want is quiet around me. Ive taken to telling them I have a lot to do and not to be offended but I am going to put my earphones in and work without a distraction!

I don't know what else I can do. Maybe with Hubby away next week, I can try and only work until 6pm and then come home and try and be in bed by 10pm. Look to cook healthy meals again - cooking for one is not fun, I take my hat off to those who are always cooking for one. Maybe look to start the Happy Mile walking again in an attempt to at least give me some exercise each day. Keep my fingers crossed that Hubby's training finishes soon and he isn't away from home as much. My friend? I can only hope that she starts to talk to me again.

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